Tom Cruise's lawyer is getting all up into the grill of the vaunted National Enquirer for publishing “disgusting and lurid” lies about his client, so we'll be careful. We wouldn't want Bert Fields after us. Mr. Fields, a lovely human being, by the way, sent a cease-and-desist letter to the previously mentioned vaunted pub after it ran a cover story besmirching the reputation of Cruise. The letter was obtained by The Hollywood Reporter. “The Real Tom is a Monster!” a headline screamed below a photo of Tom looking monstrous. The story inside purports to give the details of the “House of Horrors!” that Cruise presided over during his marriage to Katie Holmes. The story claims that he abused Holmes and kept daughter Suri locked away in a windowless room for five months. “Mr. Cruise is certainly not a ‘monster,'” Fields' letter said. “He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man.” Fields says that the Enquirer's story will cause “hundreds of millions of dollars of professional and personal damages, for which we intend to hold American Media, and everyone who participated in the perpetuation of this scurrilous attack, jointly and severally liable.” He says that unless the Enquirer retracts the story “with the same prominence and emphasis as you gave your original false and defamatory assertions,” he'll sue. Upcoming headline: “Tom Cruise is a Decent Man!”